‘Events, my dear boy … events’; so to quote Harold MacMillan, ‘Events’ have blown our column totally off course this week. I was geared to pen a soft environmental article on pollination, the birds and the bees and so on: And then this happened! However, my editor may yet see fit to file this one under ‘birds and bees’!
My late uncle always maintained that if you managed a reputation for being an early riser, you could stay in bed all day. The downside for a man having a reputation for great deeds is that when his cover is blown it is much worse for him than for an ordinary man. Go on … don’t you all get pleasure from seeing the mighty fall? You know you do!
This is not a racist newspaper and this is not a racist column, but if it just so happens that the imposter is a man of different nationality than our own – well, you have to give the facts as they are! As the logo of the now defunct “Irish Press” said; “The truth in the News.” The degree of pleasure to be extracted from hearing the following news is entirely up to yourself.
Frenchmen claim to be the world’s greatest lovers and they carry that aura around with them. You know what I mean … the shirt collar turned up … the swagger … the Eric Cantona strut.
There is the story of the Frenchman explaining to the Englishman that there are 79 different ways to make love. ‘Cor blimey’, replied Dave, ‘I thought there was only one way.’ ‘And what is zat’, enquired Pierre. Dave told him. (I am no good at sketching!). ‘Sacre bleu’ exclaimed the Frenchman, ‘80’! (I have no doubt but that the Irishman overhearing the conversation was by now going 102 … 103 ….104 in his head!)
Sit down girls – if the news hasn’t already been broken to you. Fact is it is all fake news about the Frenchman’s prowess in the bedroom. Not only are they not the best, but they have dropped two divisions in that department and are having difficulty togging out at all.
I kid you not…
On 16th May, the mayor of the French town of Montereau, south of Paris, issued a decree promising to hand out free Viagra in an effort to halt the fall in the dwindling population of his town. Mayor Debouzy fears that the town’s school will be closed or amalgamated with a neighbouring school if action is not taken to produce more babies.
I cannot find it in my heart to have any sympathy for the Frenchies. Remember Thierry Henry’s hand ball against Ireland? And I am delighted that the French Air Traffic Controllers have nothing to look forward to at the end of their day’s strike.
There is one thing I don’t like about Mr Debouzy’s plan. He is only going to dish out the Viagra to men between the ages of 18 and 40. Have you ever heard the likes of that? Surely this decree is ageist and therefore illegal?
Strikes me that the French are in even greater trouble than we thought if that age group needs to be jump-started? God Almighty, it was the opposite problem with us ‘back in the day.’ ‘Take a cold shower and concentrate on hurling’, was the advice we got from the parish priest.
Apparently the mayor of Montereau is more than a tad desperate with his last resort proposal. Anyone moving into his town will automatically qualify for a fistful of Viagra. I am not sure if this stretches to a one night stand – but I’ll try and find out for you, lads.
The lads down in Bartley’s Bar didn’t believe me at first when I told them of the goldmine opportunities in France. Damien Googled it and was able to verify my story. One guy thought the problem might be easier solved by the mayor buying an Aer Lingus ticket for all the female residents of Montereau … but we won’t elaborate on that one! Padraig expressed the fear that Viagra may have side effects and that fourteen pints of Guinness does the same job and is much the healthier option.
The entire natural order has been turned upside down across the Globe. The lunatics are running the asylum in America. Good old respectable-dependable-stoic-stiff-upper-lip Britain is self-destructing … and now the French have gone impotent. What is the world coming to at all, at all?
Now that the French Casanovas have been totally discredited, there is obviously a vacancy for the title of world’s greatest lovers. Far be it from this column to make a proposal on that front. All I will say is that those who have a right to boast don’t need to!!
By the time a man finds greener pastures he’s too old to climb the fence.
*Author, entrepreneur and newspaper columnist, Bernie Comaskey, now spends most of his time on a farm in Ireland; but he retains his strong links with the Costa Blanca.
Bernie has published four books; If Ever a Man Suffered, The Best of Bernie, The Team, and Just Between Ourselves.
Bernies books are available at half price, on sale from The Leader. Call 637 227 385 for info.