In the past, this column has set out to help people become, happy, positive, healthy, rich, and slim. All very worthy causes, indeed; but there is a group of people out there, whom nobody bothers to cater for and it is time that somebody gave a few tips to those who wish to be miserable. Once again this column is here to fill the breach. The following is our blue-print for those who choose to be miserable and more importantly, have no wish to be cured.
Let’s start with the question you will be asked several times to-day; “how are you?” Never admit to being well. If there is something you would like to do today for yourself – and only for yourself, mind you, you can rise to being “just middling’”, but don’t be “good enough” unless someone can make it worth your while.
When you get out of bed in the morning, start the day as you intend to continue – by thinking about yourself. As often as you can during the day, talk about yourself and use “I” at every opportunity. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others and seek greedily to find out what they are saying about you. Expect to be appreciated by all of these people and feel free to sulk.
Be suspicious: For example, you know that Covid19 is a Chinese conspiracy – or if you are American, feel free to replace ‘Chinese’ with ‘Democrat’. Politicians are all the same and only in it for themselves … even The Greens! And they are worse, because they will literally close down Ireland.
The world dealt you a lousy hand and you have every right to be jealous and envious. Any successful person is either a ‘hungry hoor’ or ‘steeped in luck’. Always have your list of reasons why it didn’t work for you ready and name and shame those who screwed you up. Don’t let anyone suggest failure was any part your fault and be very, very sensitive to slights. If somebody does manage to land a criticism on you, never forgive them.
Trust is something you know a thing or two about, so you have learned to trust nobody but yourself. Never forget all the reasons why you arrived at this decision.
Insist on consideration and respect. You didn’t get where you are today by letting these types walk on you. Demand agreement with your own views on everything. Sulk if necessary. Acquire a new ‘hump’ if people are not grateful to you for favours shown them – and never forget a service you may have rendered.
Be on the lookout for a good time for yourself, at little or no cost to you. Always remember, it is well due to you and in fact, barely what you deserve.
Shirk any duties or responsibilities you can. Let someone else do it, for a change. Likewise, do nothing for anyone, because you never get a bit of thanks for it.
If you are in love with anyone, make sure it is yourself – the only person worthy of it. Better still, go for it and love yourself supremely. In this day and age, you have to be selfish, or be taken advantage of, so don’t even hide trying to be more selfish.
Have your own list of conversation topics ready and don’t allow anyone else to say much. Start every sentence with either; ‘I think’, or ‘I feel’, or better still ‘I know’. ‘I think The British knew what they were doing when they pulled out of Ireland.’ ‘I feel you would still be able to buy a house for £3,000 (now there was real money) if they hadn’t railroaded us into the EEC’. ‘I know religion is all a cod.’ (These are just a few random samples to assist your misery.)
Most people around you will have their own favourite ‘sayings.’ These preferred maxims will help to define who you are. It is therefore essential that you have your own pet truisms to show who you are. If you don’t have any of these, we can help: Here are a few examples just to keep you going: ‘If a stone fell out of the heavens, it would hit me.’ ‘If I had a duck he’d drown.’ ‘I’m a magnate for misfortune.’
I can send you a few phone numbers of likeminded misery merchants – if you are stuck?
Now, you have more than enough tips here to keep you going. Cut out this column and keep it as a reference, if you can – but you suspect that someone will dump it, or burn it, or just lose it on you.
The best gift for a man who has everything is a burglar alarm.