You Can’t Be Serious – The most useless inventions in the history of [one] mankind

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A substitute for grecian 2000
A substitute for grecian 2000

Is it only me, or do these following ‘inventions’ really work for you?

How many of you can remember when ‘super-glue’ was invented? There was an advert on TV showing a crane lifting a car by a chain attached to a small metal plate which was stuck to the roof of the car with super-glue. I never tried that trick, but I have tried sticking a picture to the wall with it and fixing back the wayward sole of a shoe. The only object that super-glue will stick for me is one finger to another.

These little silver milk jugs they give you in hotels and restaurants: Hands up those of you who don’t have to use your napkin to wipe the dribbled milk from the table? They should feck these useless containers in the bin and leave the milk carton on the table.

Lads, any of you who are like myself and a member of the grey brigade will remember the hoo hah when Grecian 2000 was launched on the market with mighty fanfare. You could now have the grandest head of black, brown, steely-grey, or just a hint of grey in your gorgeous hair; and control the colour through the number of drops of Grecian you combed in daily.

I tried it. I wanted that same distinguished appearance of the TV guy – even though I was good enough at the time. They say that dogs grow to resemble their owner … well, thanks to Grecian 2000 I grew to resemble my dog. Brownie, my collie dog and I sported the same type and colour of streaks on the top of our heads. I actually had to dye my hair for a spell until the ‘invention’ grew out of it.

I am not much of a cook: The kitchen is not my forte. My culinary skills peaked with the frying pan. Is it just me, or have any of you ever come across a non-stick pan that doesn’t?

I can’t iron a shirt … I would if I could. Mrs Youcantbeserious happens to be the best little woman that ever arched her back over an ironing board – but what good is that when either of us are away? The label on the shirts clearly state ‘non-iron’: A great invention for the likes of me, don’t you think? The fact of the matter is that after washing and hanging to dry on a hanger, there are more wrinkles on the no-iron shirt than you would find on a ninety years old retired Texan cowboy. Of course the label did say ‘non-iron’ – and not ‘non-crease’ or ‘non-wrinkle’.

‘Non-slip tiles’: Now here is an invention to gladden the hearts of the old and infirm not to mention the blind drunk. The worst fall I ever got was when the two feet went from under me whilst mopping the floor of the pub toilet. I like to keep my non-slip tiles clean, you understand.

‘Moss-remover’ – you know the one: ‘Free your yard, patio and driveway from unwanted moss …etc’. I swear before whoever is the patron saint of inventions, that I shook, scattered, sprayed, sprinkled and blew every type of powder and liquid that had the word ‘moss’ written on the label and yet, the driveway continued to be the greenest part of my domain.

That was until the brother, Camillus, (who knows everything) advised me to try sprinkling soap powder on the moss. Luckily I had the soap powder, solely because I only washed the one non-iron shirt. It worked for me folks, and if it works for you, don’t forget to buy the brother a pint next time you see him.

After being bitten by a dog on my walk a couple of years ago, I purchased a ‘dog-zapper’. The zapper was invented to stop a dog from eating a man. My problem now is that I am so nervous of a dog on the road – and twice as nervous of any modern invention, that I am too scared to know if it works.

‘A sure cure for snoring’, the newspaper advertisement promises … another one. I could do with a remedy that works – but so far no joy. Let us be ultra-careful right here. This is extremely delicate, dear readers. You see I don’t snore – and even if I do, it occurs when I’m asleep and therefore doesn’t bother me. I am still in the market for a cure for snoring that works nonetheless. Are you with me? And in the interests of health and safety … we’ll leave it at that …

Don’t Forget

Every day we hear of another new time saving invention which saves people time they don’t know what to do with.

 

 

 

 

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